Every so often, I receive an email from a student/person/overachiever who has decided to do a book report on one of my books. My first reaction is, “You’re seriously allowed to read my books for school credit?” and my second reaction is, “Awww!”
After taking forever and a day to respond to reply to these emails, I started to feel a little responsible for people’s grades. What if I didn’t write back in time and they failed and they never got into Harvard/Yale/Barbizon? OH GOD THE RESPONSIBILITY.
(I’m pretty sure this is how most FAQs are created, by the way.)
So in a spectacular feat of mental illness hard work, I interviewed myself. Make of this what you will. I certainly have.
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So give us the deets.
"Deets"?
C’mon, the clock is ticking.
Fine, fine, fine. I was born on July 1 in Inglewood, California. Funny story: I was born during a full moon and when my grandmother tried to get into the hospital to see my mom, security guards stopped her and said that they couldn’t let her in the hospital because of “weird things” happening during full moons.
How oddly appropriate.
I know, right?
Moving on. What are some things that you love?
Well, I love my friends, my family, my—
BOR-RING.
Excuse me?
I thought you were a fiction writer. Can’t you be more creative than “my friends & family”? What is this, an AT&T commercial?
My Lord, you’re pushy. Okay. I love tulips, teacups, espresso, music, the sound of my dog snoring, staring contests with babies (I always win), the last page of magazines, any bookstore that has a cat, crossword puzzles, red nail polish, butterscotch, The Beatles, the phrase, “Okey dokey, artichokey”, champagne, and making paper snowflakes.
Wow. You like a lot of stuff.
You caught me on a good day.
Let’s pretend I caught you on a bad day. What do you dislike? Try not to be obvious again and say something like “narrow-minded people”, okay?
Whiners. People who don’t work hard and expect success. Any remix of a song that involves a siren sound. Radio commercials because they are never, ever amusing. When newsprint gets on my fingers. The phrase “Bada bing!”, especially if it involves finger guns. Actual guns. Improv comedy. Having my picture taken. People who text during the movies. Any food that is lukewarm. Puppets when they’re not being animated.
You don’t like improv comedy?
It just makes me nervous.
Way to piss off all the improv comedians.
It’s better than pissing off clowns. Oh God, clowns! I don’t like clowns, either. Not even Fizbo.
Noted. Tell us something about yourself that would surprise people.
I was the original inspiration for Smeagol in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy.
Ha. Please focus.
I’ve never seen any of the original “Star Wars” movies. I KNOW, I KNOW, SPARE ME YOUR SHOCKED GASPS AND THREATS TO TIE ME TO A CHAIR AND MAKE ME WATCH THEM.
You seem to have a lot of Feelings about this.
Well, people seem to take that news quite personally.
Let’s move on to your area of expertise.
Yay, writing!
I was talking about music.
Oh.
What are some of your favorite bands?
The Beatles, Nine Inch Nails, Neko Case, Arcade Fire—you know, this is all on Facebook.
Yes, but some people have Issues with Facebook.
Oh, okay. I also like the Rolling Stones, the Cure, Ryan Adams in all of his various incarnations, and probably another amazing band that I’m totally blanking on. Can we talk about writing now?
I suppose so. What are your favorite books?
Franny & Zooey, Weetzie Bat, Civilwarland in Bad Decline, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Realm of Possibility, and the New Yorker because sometimes it feels as long as a book.
Hear, hear. Who is your favorite character that you’ve ever written?
What!? I can’t say, it’s like choosing my favorite child!
You certainly have a flair for drama.
It’s in the job description. But if you’re making me pick—
I am.
—I would have to say Audrey. She was my first fully formed character and I’ve always liked her attitude and her parents.
Speaking of “Audrey, Wait!”, how did you totally luck out and get a book published?
There was no luck. Just a lot of hard work. I took a writing class at UCLA Extension and my instructor, Rachel Cohn, read the first chapter of “Audrey” and introduced me to my agent, and then it took about 18 months to finish the book and sell it. I’m a slow writer.
Really? A slow writer? What does that mean, you can’t type fast?
No, it means that I’m a procrastinator.
Ah. So what advice would you give to people that want to be a professional writer?
Consider becoming an improv comedian. KIDDING!
Yes, I’m sure tens of people are amused right now.
I would say, keep writing even when you don’t want to. Don’t get caught up in real-life or internet drama, focus on your characters and what you want for them, and always be professional. Also, a thank-you note never hurt anyone.
Your mother would be so proud.
I certainly hope so.
Anything else you want people to know?
I have nothing but respect and admiration for people who made it to the end of this FAQ.
You and me both.
